Torchlight 2 PC game review

Review: Torchlight 2
[PC RPG Adventure game]

Hands up all those who took a day off when Diablo III launched. Well, unless you’re one of the lucky few, chances are you spent that day staring at a ‘server not found’ message and weeping into your string vest. Personally, we said **** this **** and re-installed Torchlight, a Diablo ‘clone’ that mixes crisp cartoony graphics with the same obsessive loot collection. We loved it when it hit Steam last year but Torchlight came with one glaring omission – no multiplayer mode. Thankfully the developers listened to our woes and now Torchlight II is here, complete with a shiny new online co-op so you can blast your way through with your buddies.

But how does Torchlight II compare with its predecessor? Well, this sequel is bigger and better in pretty much every way, proving as demandingly addictive as Diablo II (for us the peak of the action RPG genre). Better stock up on those Iceland pizzas and tell your other half you’ve got the mumps/influenza/herpes, because you’ll be stuck to your PC for many, many nights...

Read my full Torchlight II review on Game Debate

Dredd: The stupidest villains of all time?

Dredd is a fantastically uber-violent action flick that captures the grime and hopelessness of the comics pretty damn well, but the villains - headed up by ex-prossie gang leader Ma-Ma - have to be the dumbest bunch of inbred dung-heads of any movie ever. Now is probably a good time to say SPOILERS A-COMIN'

Let's start with the three hapless chaps they decide to skin and throw over the balcony at the start of the film. Hey, geniuses, next time you're building a massive drugs operation that you're trying to keep under wraps, maybe don't mutilate and kill people in a massively public manner which is bound to bring Judges to your yard.

But oopsies, too late, here comes Dredd and new recruit Anderson - so fucking glad to see her in this flick, a billion gazillion times better than this:

So, Dredd and Anderson arrest a gang member and are about to take him away for interrogation, which will obviously reveal the nefarious drugs plan (see, I told yers!). We'll skip over the whole 'only 99% sure he was the one who did the skinning' thing, and go straight to Dredd and Anderson leaving the tower with perp in tow (I forget his name, so we'll call him 'Tim' for the purpose of this rant). At this point, Ma-Ma has to simply radio down to one of her ground floor lackeys and ask them to pop Tim one in the face so he doesn't blab.

What they actually do is lock down the entire building by taking over the control room, which has to be the most poorly guarded place in the history of everything. Five guys in shirts do not count as guards. My local Lidl has better security than this place.

Dredd v everyone ever

So, the entire tower is sealed off and now Ma-Ma has her army of goons track down Dredd and Anderson to kill them. Bad move number 3 or 4, and we're only 20 minutes into the film. Despite controlling every camera in the joint, Ma-Ma and her tweaked-out assistant seem particularly terrible at tracking down two Judges, even with a massive army on their side. Dredd and Anderson successfully evade the tiny pockets of soldiers they do come across, who seem blissfully unaware that the Judges have stun grenades and the like until they're already dead.

Ma-Ma eventually exhibits some signs of human intelligence by sealing off the level Dredd and Anderson are on, then proceeds to obliterate the entire level with three enormous mini guns instead of simply sending every last man to that area. The plan backfires when Dredd and Anderson (and a small child) are the only survivors by some miracle of bullet avoidance, helped out by a conveniently placed skating halfpipe that just happens to be positioned outside. All of the destruction somehow doesn't cripple the inner infrastructure of the tower and bring the whole lot crashing down, and Dredd and Anderson manage to escape again. Doh!

Eventually Anderson gets kidnapped by Tim (didn't see that one coming, did ya Anderson?) and Ma-Ma orders her lackeys to kill her. Of course, instead of just putting a bullet in her head there and then, Tim takes her to a secluded room and blows his own arm off while trying to accomplish the relatively simple task of putting a bullet in her head. Oh, Tim. Anderson then manages to escape and rescue Dredd from death by traversing ten enormous levels in the time it usually takes to boil the kettle.

Anyway, long story short, Dredd manages to heal his gut wound with a brief cauterisation and stitches and is ready to face Ma-Ma and chuck her off a balcony, after unnecessarily feeding her some Slo-Mo (except that it's another good chance for a trippy 3D segment). The rest of the tower goons then magically vanish and Dredd and Anderson get to safety, the end.

Judges be dumb too

Of course, itt's not just the baddies that are dumb in Dredd. Despite the two Judges calling in a distress signal, the Justice Dept sees it perfectly fit to send two of the dumbest recruits to help. Two Judges who seem perfectly happy standing outside the door for hours, waiting for the doors to be opened. And where did the massive crowd of Judges and paramedics come from at the end? Where were they when they were actually bloody needed??

Anyway, this is all pointless bitching about a great movie adaptation of one of my favourite comics. Urban, Thirlby and Headley were all fantastic and Alex Garland really did capture the spirit of the strip, although it's a massive shame we didn't get to see much of Mega City One. I'm sure the inevitable sequels will explore more of the rich Dredd universe, and hopefully the bad dudes won't have the combined intelligence of a plate of dung...

PC Game Review: Symphony

Review of Symphony
[PC music/rhythm game]

These days we've all got massive hard drives filled with GBs of torrented music, and here comes Symphony from Empty Clip Studios to destroy it all! It’s rare for music games to have a plot, but Symphony’s story takes place inside your precious rig, where a malevolent virus is chomping its way through your tuneage. It’s up to you to stop it, Inner Space style: by maneouvering a tiny craft through music-generated levels, blasting apart the malware as you go. Fair enough, the story is as complex as a Katie Price novel, but you’ll want to keep playing partly to destroy the sinister software, and partly because it’s damn good fun...

Read my full Symphony PC game review over on Game Debate now

How to defeat a dragon with string...

A few bloggers have been kind enough to interview me about my ebooks, Crack and Dead Dogs, but I probably enjoyed my chat with Jennifer over at 'The First 7500 words' more than any other. Not only did she ask if I prefer ninjas or pirates, she tested my adventure game skills to the max by asking how I'd escape from an angry dragon using just a few random items. Madder than a barrel of squirrels.

The full interview is up on 7500 words now, and Jennifer also had a few kind words to say about Dead Dogs.

PC game review: Home

Home review by Chris Barraclough
[PC horror adventure game]

"What the blimming flip is going on?"

We’re going to blow apart tradition for this review of new indie horror adventure game Home by telling you practically nothing about it. Not because we’re lazy (we are), not because we’re drunk (we are) and definitely not because we’re lost for words. We’d love nothing more than to discuss Home all night, but it would spoil the living hell out of the game, and the best way to experience Home is to know nothing at all. But in the interest of keeping this review longer than a paragraph, here's what happens in the first 30 seconds...


Read my full Home review on GameDebate

Author Spotlight: Interview with Chris Barraclough...

Check out my Author Spotlight: Interview with Jenna Elizabeth Johnson, over on her website. Lots of stuff about my Kindle book 'Crack', which is still available for just 99p, and stay tuned for a chance to grab Crack for free very soon... ;)

PC game review: To The Moon

To The Moon review
[PC point 'n' click adventure game]

‘To The Moon’ is a new PC adventure game that bills itself as an RPG/Point ‘n’ Click hybrid. Truth be told, it’s neither of those things, and in fact it barely qualifies as a game. However, To The Moon is also one of the most exceptionally original and emotional titles we’ve played in recent memory, with a beautifully told story wrapped snugly in an intriguing and well-polished package.

Read my full To The Moon review on Game Debate

'Among The Sleep' preview

Among The Sleep preview
[PC horror/adventure game]

Among The Sleep is one of the more intriguing upcoming horror adventure games, as it doesn't cast you as a gun-wielding cop or muscular superhero. Instead, Among The Sleep places you in the fluffy miniature booties of a two-year-old child, who can barely walk let alone swing an axe at a horrifying gribbly.

I delved deeper into Among The Sleep in my Game Debate preview, but instead of simply watching the trailers, I interviewed lead developer Adrian Husby from indie group Krillbite Studio.

Check out the full interview on Game Debate

PC Game Review: Deponia

Deponia review
[PC Point n Click Adventure Game]

Rufus has a plan. His plan is to escape from the garbage-strewn world of Deponia, where he lives with his despairing ex-girlfriend and scheming, moleish best mate, and flee to the off-world paradise of Elysium. Of course, like all plans concocted by egocentric bungling halfwits, things soon go pear-shaped. After inadvertently ‘rescuing’ an Elysian girl (aptly named Goal) from some cloaked deviants by pushing her off a spaceship, Rufus finds himself hunted by a sinister organisation - and even worse, discovers that his newly appointed girlfriend already has a fiance...

Read the full Deponia PC game review on Game Debate now

Hidden Object Games: Adventure-lite?

Adventure games have enjoyed an unexpected resurgence in recent years thanks to a growing numbers of dedicated indie developers, who snatched the torch from the likes of LucasArts and Sierra to keep it burning on. The past couple of years have also seen the rise a break-away faction of adventures, known as Hidden Object (HO) games.

While traditional adventure games are often designed for hardcore gamers, featuring brain-meltingly complex puzzles wrapped in lush and well-developed plotlines, HO games tend to be more casual, family-friendly affairs that usually shun in-depth stories for a quick and easy gaming fix. The basic premise has you hunting for a treasure list of items that are buried away on screen, kind of like a digital Where's Wally, but there are often a few twists thrown in - be it a time limit, objects that morph into other objects, or some other original slant to keep things interesting.

American company Big Fish Games is one of the leading distributors of HO games, releasing at least one new title every single day. With a vast and impressive back catalogue of titles on offer, Game Debate decided to plunge in and pop our HO cherry, to see what all the fuss was about. Our first port of call was Abandoned: Chestnut Lodge Asylum...

What a nightmare

A fantastic animated introduction reveals the recurring nightmares of the troubled protagonist, who dreams every night that he’s being chased down a corridor of a creepy old asylum, before taking a brief but messy trip down an elevator shaft. Turning on the news after one such plummet, we see the asylum of our nightmares is a real place, and a body has just been found there. Most people would probably think ‘Bugger me, that’s weird,’ then switch over to Countdown. But not our hero, who decides instead to drive up to the asylum and break in, to explore the ruined interior...

Abandoned: Chestnut Lodge Asylm's plot generally takes a backseat to exploration (until near the end, at least), but the locations are beautifully drawn and packed with interactive hotspots. There’s a good split between inventory puzzles and HO sections, with a couple of brainteasers thrown in to keep things interesting – although these puzzles are fairly scarce. They’re the usual blend of sliding tiles, object rearrangement and so on, although a couple are better thought-out, including one that tests how steady your mouse hand is. All puzzles are skippable if you’re the impatient type, and we admit we had to bypass one infuriating insect conundrum that had us frothing with rage after ten minutes of random clicking.

HO areas actually sparkle so are very easy to spot, and are generally simple to complete. Very few items are unfairly obscured, although you have to assemble some objects in order to collect them, which is a neat twist on the norm. Each screen cleared gives you an inventory item to use elsewhere, often to gain access to new locations. For instance, grab a wrench and it’ll allow you to tighten the bolts on a swimming pool ladder, to climb down. You can also find objects hidden around the asylum’s rooms, with only the occasional tricky hotspot. These inventory puzzles make Abandoned stand out from a lot of other HO games, so it feels more than an adventure game.

Give me a clue

Abandoned: Chestnut Lodge Asylum will last the average gamer around five to six hours (not bad considering the cheap price) and is entertaining from start to finish. It’s never really scary per se but the atmosphere is pervadingly creepy at times, helped by the non-intrusive soundtrack, full of tinkly pianos and haunting violins. If you get stuck there’s a full built-in walkthrough (which we referred to a couple of times for the item puzzles) and you can highlight any objects that you’re struggling to find during the HO sections, with another built-in hint system.

Overall, Abandoned: Chestnut Lodge Asylum is a good blend of inventory puzzles and hidden object sections, wrapped up in a polished and carefully designed package. It'll suit Hidden Object virgins as well as seasoned fans, so don't be afraid to dip your toe in and test it out.

PC Game Review ~ Diablo 3

Diablo 3 review

[Action RPG game]

Diablo 3 didn’t languish in development hell as long as the Grand Old Duke of Nukem, but for legions of fans who were longing to kick demonic ass and loot themselves silly, the wait was truly infernal. Gap-fillers such as the enjoyable romp Torchlight helped to ease the pain, but it was like substituting prime steak with a Greggs pastie, or treating crack addiction with a dose of Lemsip. Sometimes you’ve just got to have the good stuff...

Read the full Diablo 3 game review on Game Debate now

Apocalypse Any Time Now...

If books and films were to be believed, the human race is completely f*cked. Any time now we'll be scorched with radiation, flattened by meteors, wiped out by aliens, zombies and/or mutants, or perhaps simply crumble under the trannical rule of a totalitarian government. It's all so depressing you might as well top yourself now, by jumping in front of the 57 bus. Or at least, you should if it wouldn't involve a two-hour wait for the bloody thing to turn up.

Recently I read two novels with very different takes on possible dystopian futures. Hunger Games (which I gave a slightly negative review) predicted that a comically evil government would take over the US, controlling the population through a sinister gameshow in a plot that makes slightly less sense than a sozzled Albanian. I followed this up with Margaret Atwood's Oryx and Crake, which painted a very different picture - corporations effectively becoming mini-states, controlling their populations while those outside the bubbles struggled to survive.

Minor spoilers for Oryx and Crake follow - and if you haven't read it yet, I highly recommend grabbing a copy.

Atwood's apocalyptic vision is a lot more gripping and terrifying to me, as her world is so vividly painted and realistically detailed that you can actually see these screwed up events becoming reality. The idea that a single human being could wipe out our entire race simply on a whim is the scariest thing imaginable, because it really could bloody happen.

But Atwood's novel isn't po-faced and overly bleak like a lot of apocalypse stories. She keeps it human on every level, enthralling us with Jimmy's tumultuous relationship with his parents and the cool-yet-unhinged character of Crake. She recognises our changing attitudes to sex and violence and takes it to the extremes, so Jimmy and Crake spend their spare time watching shows such as Noodie News (with butt-nekkid presenters) and Live Executions, and browsing websites such as Hott Totts (the name says it all). It's horrifying but hilarious all at once.

To date, Oryx and Crake is my favourite apocalyptic novel and shows just how shallow the likes of Hunger Games really is. I promise I'll stop ragging on that book eventually...just not right now...

So, do you have a favourite end of days novel you'd like to big up? Let me know, cos I'm hungry for more.

PC Game Review ~ J.U.L.I.A

J.U.L.I.A review
[Puzzle/adventure game]

Stop us if you’ve heard this one before. You wake up from a seemingly endless sleep, groggy and confused, to discover you’re strapped into a cryo unit in a vast and curiously quiet spaceship. As you’re wondering where your crew mates have buggered off too, and who’s going to fix you a bacon and egg sandwich with extra tabasco and a side of black pudding, a holographic computer AI with feminine features and a slightly creepy voice pops up and informs you that you’re the only living person on board.

As far as wake-up calls go, this one’s right up there with a punch to the cock...

Read the full JULIA game review on Game Debate now

PC Game Review ~ Corrosion: Cold Winter Waiting

Corrosion: Cold Winter Waiting review
[Point 'n' Click adventure game]

If I ever found myself trapped alone in a sinister abandoned lab, with scary noises and creepy messages lurking in every room, I think I’d curl into a ball, stick my thumb in my mouth and weep pathetically until help arrived. Unfortunately there’s no button for that in Corrosion: Cold Winter Waiting, so you’ve got no choice but to explore the horrific interior of Cold Winter Farm, a menacing derelict building where - of course - you’re stuck with no way out...

Read the full Corrosion: Cold Winter Waiting review on Game Debate now

Hunger Games is a piss poor Battle Royale rip-off. Says I.

So I finally gave into hype like a crumbling tissue drenched with snot, and read the first Hunger Games book. I'd been putting it off for ages as it sounded like a third-rate Battle Royale rip-off, and was endorsed by celebs who probably haven't read much except the back of a shampoo bottle. And I kind of wished I'd put it off a bit longer. Sixty or seventy years would've done it.

Battle Royale Rebooted

Let's start with the plot. Totalitarian government who forces kids to compete in a battle-to-the-death, only-one-can-survive gameshow, for no good reason other than it can. It's funny that everyone is up in arms about movie 'reboots', yet no one seems to bat an eyelid when one book blatantly rips off another. I'm surprised Ms Collins didn't just call it 'New Battle Royale' or 'Battle Royale Reloaded' and have done with it.

So, Hunger Games follows this girl called Katniss who lives in District 12, your usual run-down dystopian society where everything is terrible and people are starving to death, for no reason at all. The government, rather than actually helping its population out - which would be to its own benefit as the districts provide the capitol with essential resources such as fuel - decide just to let them all get on with it. Later they're surprised when the population (SPOILERZ LOLZ) rebels against them. Because, you know, governments are evil and also really dumb. How's that for political commentary?

Whine whine bitch moan

Anyway, Katniss is a whiny, pouty teenage girl, whose usual response to people trying to help her is to shout at them, attack them violently, or storm off in a huff. This is one of the major problems for me. None of the characters are really likeable, apart from Katniss' butter-sugar-and-other-nice-things-wouldn't-melt younger sister, Primrose, and one of the other 'tributes' (game contestants) called Rue, a girl of identical age who Katniss takes under her wing. The set-up is painfully obvious: we're supposed to like Katniss because she protects vulnerable people, and Rue is the game embodiment of her sister, all conveniently helpless and ready for Katniss to fawn over. Katniss even calls Rue Primrose at one point, in case we're so dumb we haven't made that connection yet. Maybe we were too busy sniffing glue to get through the awful dialogue.

A little respect

One thing every good author does is treat his or her audience with respect. You don't have to explain every tiny little detail, no matter who you're writing for - kids, adults, it doesn't matter. We all have these pink mushy things called brains, and we can fill in the gaps in story and characterisation when we have to.

If Katniss gazes a second too long at her fellow district tribute Peeta, we imagine it's because she has some deeper feelings for him, and is likely conflicted by those feelings. But Collins is clearly worried that we went to the toilet during that paragraph or something, because she then has Katniss mull over her feelings for another five pages, usually while a blood-crazed psychopath is hunting her down with a spear.

It makes no sense

One of the great elements of Battle Royale was the huge variety of characters, and the different romances, friendships, and secret longings that made them feel like real people. There were so many different plots and sub-plots going on, the story never once dragged.

Conversely, Hunger Games only follows Katniss, which means we learn next to nothing about most of the other contestants and their relationships. You've got the 'careers', the psychopathic kids who are bred purely to compete, with no explanation of why or what really motivates them. If they're really seriously competing, why do they all gang up on the weaker ones? Why do they seem happy to let others join their little gang, for no discernable reason? It makes my brain hurt, and I have to listen to soothing music just to keep from kicking squirrels.

So we're introduced to a handful of the tributes, such as the mysterious Thresher who spares Katniss' life because she helped that Rue girl for a bit. Despite the fact that Thresher immediately abandoned Rue, and clearly couldn't give two shiny shits what happened to her. And then just as quickly, it's announced that Thresher was killed by one of the careers. So that's that then. Clearly the whole point of his character was to save Katniss when she was about to be killed by a career, which again makes NO SENSE.

Find a plant, sleep a bit

Instead of seeing all the great fighting that's going on elsewhere in the Games, we get to see Katniss hunting birds, searching for plants, and occasionally sleeping up a tree. Oh, and wondering whether she actually likes Peeta, or if she's just pretending for the sake of...whatever the reason her and Peeta's fake romance was for. I kind of gave up caring because Peeta was a total personality void, who did random things like team up with the Careers because they have shiny jackets. Or maybe they offered him candy.

In fact, this was a massive missed opportunity. At the end, where Peeta and Katniss are watching the replay of the Games, why couldn't Peeta have actually wrung Foxface's neck, instead of accidentally feeding her poisonous berries? Then Katniss would react with horror, and we'd realise that Peeta was just pretending to be a boring, pessimistic, defeatist meathead with all the charm and personality of a sweet wrapper. Surprise!

Wait...the dogs are dead people?

The final leap into the chasm for me was the genetically engineered dogs at the end, or 'muttations' as they were called (see what they did there?). The government isn't just evil and stupid, you see - it's also batshit insane, and apparently likes to transplant dead tributes' eyes/brains into the bodies of dogs that can walk on their hind legs.

Again, the government has done this for no real reason other than the fact that they can, and are obviously a bit mentals. This makes them seem like some cartoony evil corporation, like M.A.D, coming up with ever-more ridiculous schemes for torturing its devout citizens. I almost expected a flying shark that shoots bees from its mouth to descend on them all.

The thing is, if these guys are rich enough to construct a giant fake landscape for the Games, genetically engineer dogs from dead kids, rain down flaming asteroids on people whenever they want...why don't they just take their billions and use it to feed the very people they're trying to keep from rebelling? Or simply build an army of killer robots to watch over every single person and make sure they don't do bad things? I feel like I've got a brain tumour just thinking about it.

I'm tired, leave me alone

Right, so that's enough complaining. I was going to bang on about the godawful dialogue too, but that would involve going back into the source material for quotes, and I really can't be arsed.

If you haven't read Battle Royale yet, do so - it's miles better than Hunger Games, innit.

Dead Dogs is out on Smashwords!

My third novel, Dead Dogs, is available for a huge range of ebook readers on Smashwords. Focusing on the Blood Feuds of Albania, Dead Dogs follows a Polish kid called Mikael who finds himself persecuted by his neighbours after his cousin kills their son. It was nominated for the Dylan Thomas/Sony Reader Prize 2010, and once made someone burn their dinner.

You can check out a sample of Dead Dogs now, but to thank you guys for following me, you can use the following code to grab a free copy. It expires in a week, so be sure to get your copy before Saturday April 7th.

Enter this coupon code when purchasing 'Dead Dogs' to get your copy free: RE85G

If you read it and enjoy it, I'd love you forever for leaving me a review on Smashwords. And please tell your friends, and feel free to share the coupon code - it's all extra downloads for me, which is much appreciated!

Cheers,
Chris

Why Skyrim can go f*ck itself

Skyrim is a great game, but bloody hell does it annoy the piss out of me. Cue rant.

So I'm creeping through a damp, dark cave (as you do) and I come across a 'falmer' - basically a short, hairless, hunch-backed gremlin wearing animal furs and naff all else. He's got his back to me, and seems to be concentrating very intently on a bit of wall.

'This guy's a corpse' I chuckle, as I whip out my Bow Of Hurting or whatever.

A second later, an arrow slams into the back of the falmer's head. Most creatures at this point would probably go limp, but not the falmer. Instead it whirls around and runs straight at me, as if I'd just called its gran a felching mudslurper.

You'd have thought an arrow through the brain might weaken it a bit though, right? Well, I can see from its bulging health bar that - despite a 3X sneak attack bonus - I might as well have pelted the f*cking thing with cotton wool swabs.

I'm not too worried though. Instead, I pull out a big bloody mace and ready my fire spell. This'll put the little shitcake down, har har!

So Mr Falmer gets a non-stop blast of fire right in its face. It keeps on coming, swinging a stick-with-a-bone-attached, but I merrily stroll backwards and keep on blasting. Then I realise that his health bar is still barely trembling.

Eventually my back hits a wall, and the falmer closes in. Now I'm a little concerned, but it's still a case of huge mace versus stick-with-a-bone attached. Common sense would dictate inevitable triumph, but this is Skyrim. Common sense is about as useful as a barbed wire vibrator.

I smack him with the mace, and he reacts as if I'd just flicked his nose. The stick-with-a-bone-attached comes down twice and somehow penetrates my thick iron armour and kills me dead.

The first time this happened, I grunted. The second time I swore. The third time I told Skyrim to engage orally with part of my anatomy.

Thankfully on my fourth attempt, the Falmer got stuck on a mushroom and I was able to burn him to death from a distance. It took about half a minute.

When he was good and dead, I checked out his stick-with-a-bone-attached to see if it had some mystical 'penetrates any armour and deals ridiculous damage' bonus. But it didn't. It was just a stick. A stick with a bone attached.

And that is why Skyrim can go f*ck itself.