Since 'Complete Guides' to concept technology are all the rage these days, mostly because any idiot will read them, here's my Complete Guide to the iPhone 8, which is expected to hit stores in 2018.
Sexy new build
With components getting smaller and smaller, the iPhone 8 will likely be the same size as a slightly chubby garden pea. Thankfully eye augmentations will be a widespread fashion accessory by this point, so you'll have no trouble seeing the beautiful 0.005-inch display. Touchscreen control will be possible thanks to the included stylus, made from a gnat's chuff stuck on the end of a cotton swab.
Predictive text 2.0
One of the best new features is predictive text 2.0, which predicts what you're going to type before you even pull your phone out of your pocket. The iPhone 8 notices if you've been in the pub for more than your allotted time, and sends your wife a grovelling message, with one of fifty preset lies - from "my twatting PC crashed as I was finishing my article" to "the cock-sucking trains are done up the arse again."
Some Other Shit We've Made Up
A guy we spoke to in the pub last night reckons that Siri will be updated to recognise even the most tricky of accents, including Drunk Scouser and Camp Geordie. We also decided the camera would take shots up to 100MP, by flipping a fucking coin.
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Where can I pre-order? :-)
ReplyDeletePre-orders are available in 2017 through Tesco Mobile, which by then will have taken over every other network, continuing its conquest for world domination ;)
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