Why Skyrim can go f*ck itself

Skyrim is a great game, but bloody hell does it annoy the piss out of me. Cue rant.

So I'm creeping through a damp, dark cave (as you do) and I come across a 'falmer' - basically a short, hairless, hunch-backed gremlin wearing animal furs and naff all else. He's got his back to me, and seems to be concentrating very intently on a bit of wall.

'This guy's a corpse' I chuckle, as I whip out my Bow Of Hurting or whatever.

A second later, an arrow slams into the back of the falmer's head. Most creatures at this point would probably go limp, but not the falmer. Instead it whirls around and runs straight at me, as if I'd just called its gran a felching mudslurper.

You'd have thought an arrow through the brain might weaken it a bit though, right? Well, I can see from its bulging health bar that - despite a 3X sneak attack bonus - I might as well have pelted the f*cking thing with cotton wool swabs.

I'm not too worried though. Instead, I pull out a big bloody mace and ready my fire spell. This'll put the little shitcake down, har har!

So Mr Falmer gets a non-stop blast of fire right in its face. It keeps on coming, swinging a stick-with-a-bone-attached, but I merrily stroll backwards and keep on blasting. Then I realise that his health bar is still barely trembling.

Eventually my back hits a wall, and the falmer closes in. Now I'm a little concerned, but it's still a case of huge mace versus stick-with-a-bone attached. Common sense would dictate inevitable triumph, but this is Skyrim. Common sense is about as useful as a barbed wire vibrator.

I smack him with the mace, and he reacts as if I'd just flicked his nose. The stick-with-a-bone-attached comes down twice and somehow penetrates my thick iron armour and kills me dead.

The first time this happened, I grunted. The second time I swore. The third time I told Skyrim to engage orally with part of my anatomy.

Thankfully on my fourth attempt, the Falmer got stuck on a mushroom and I was able to burn him to death from a distance. It took about half a minute.

When he was good and dead, I checked out his stick-with-a-bone-attached to see if it had some mystical 'penetrates any armour and deals ridiculous damage' bonus. But it didn't. It was just a stick. A stick with a bone attached.

And that is why Skyrim can go f*ck itself.

The Complete Guide to iPhone 8

Since 'Complete Guides' to concept technology are all the rage these days, mostly because any idiot will read them, here's my Complete Guide to the iPhone 8, which is expected to hit stores in 2018.

Sexy new build

With components getting smaller and smaller, the iPhone 8 will likely be the same size as a slightly chubby garden pea. Thankfully eye augmentations will be a widespread fashion accessory by this point, so you'll have no trouble seeing the beautiful 0.005-inch display. Touchscreen control will be possible thanks to the included stylus, made from a gnat's chuff stuck on the end of a cotton swab.

Predictive text 2.0

One of the best new features is predictive text 2.0, which predicts what you're going to type before you even pull your phone out of your pocket. The iPhone 8 notices if you've been in the pub for more than your allotted time, and sends your wife a grovelling message, with one of fifty preset lies - from "my twatting PC crashed as I was finishing my article" to "the cock-sucking trains are done up the arse again."

Some Other Shit We've Made Up

A guy we spoke to in the pub last night reckons that Siri will be updated to recognise even the most tricky of accents, including Drunk Scouser and Camp Geordie. We also decided the camera would take shots up to 100MP, by flipping a fucking coin.

NaNoWriMo Fo Sho

More gruelling than a month-long marathon across a hundred deserts, with nought to drink but flat, hot Fanta. That's what National Novel Writing Month feels like at times. Once the first day's excitement is over, the reality of the challenge hits home. 2,000-plus words a day is a lot to get down, and come the end of the month you'll likely have wrists like soggy twiglets. However, if you've done your job you'll also have a rough first draft that's ready to be polished into the Next Big Novel.

But how to make sure you finish on time? Well, pretty much every blog out there will give you a 'top ten tips', but it's actually rather simple. Here's what you do.

PLAN Most blogs will tell you, don't make alternative plans to go out - give yourself maybe one evening a week to get bladdered with your mates, but stick to your program the rest of the time. Well, that's one school of thinking, but I find my best work flows when I'm pissed up. So I say go out and enjoy yourself, then down some coffee and get ready for five hours of action! When you wake up the next morning, drooling into your keyboard, you'll probably have 15,000 words of absolute genius that Tolstoy would be proud of.

NO DISTRACTIONS Switch off your modem and hide in a room with no other distractions - no phone, no TV, no wife/husband, certainly no bloody cats. Make a hot drink and grab a bottle of water, and plough your way through it. If your mind starts to wander, try stabbing yourself in the thigh with a biro. Your brain will associate daydreaming with pain and stay fully focused at all times.

REWARDS Have a YumYum or something when you're done each evening, but only if you reach your target word count. Otherwise, spank yourself with a piece of 2x4, while screaming "I'm a bad girl/boy!"

If you follow this advice, you might just make it. Congratulations! Time to settle in for some rewriting!

Publish your Kindle Store ebook Part Seven: Social Networking and promotion

Well, the first major hurdle has been passed and Crack is now available to buy on Amazon UK. Of course, I didn't realise that VAT is added onto the price yu set, so Crack actually costs £1.09 instead of 95p. Buggeration. Still, you can change the price through the Amazon Dashboard at any time, so no worries.

Now it's time to sit back and chortle as the millions roll in. Which sadly might take a while as I sold an incredible two copies on the first day. This is the biggest problem with self-publishing: you're responsible for all your own marketing, and if you don't promote your book, you'll barely afford a Greggs pastie with your earnings.

First Step: Pester friends into buying

This is the easiest bit of marketing. Get on your Facebook, Twitter etc. accounts and let your friends know that your book's out, and they should bloody well buy a copy. Right now. Not only that, they should tell all of their friends (or at least the ones that own Kindles), retweet or post on their own Facebook pages, and generally help to spread the good word.

Whether you ask politely or threaten them with nipple-twists, make sure you get as many people as possible to post up links and a quick bit of blurb.

The more sales you get, the higher you rise up Amazon's ranking and the more likely you are to enter the site's advertising - you know, the 'people who checked this out also looked at this' stuff. That's the real gold right there. Once you start attracting serious clicks, you'll find your sales gather momentum and your job is done.

Go forth my little birds!

If you're reading this, you must be a smart, cool and handsome/gorgeous person. If you decide to check out Crack and you like it, please tell your friends about it - I will love you forever.

See, I asked nicely - no nipple tweaks here...

Publish your Kindle Store ebook: Published!

Well, it's been emotional. Right now I'm logged into the Kindle Direct Publishing site (using my normal Amazon logon deets), about to submit Crack to the fountain of untold wealth that is the Kindle Store.

Let's get it up there

If this is your first time publishing on the Kindle store, you'll need to click a 'user details incomplete' message in the top right corner and fill in your address and how you want to gets your cash moneys - you can be paid by cheque (not 'check' as the Yanks would have it) every time you make $100, or EFT when you raise $10 - you'll need your IBAN and BIC numbers for this, which can be found on your statements.

Once that's done, go to the dashboard and hit 'add a new book' on the bookshelf. Wahhhh, exciting!

More forms??

Okaaaay, after waiting bloody ages for the page to load, I see it's another big ol' form. Shocker.

Right, name is easy, but then comes the description. This is the bit you need to think long and hard about, as it'll play a huge part in swaying potential readers to buy your book. Make it juicy, keep it succinct, and big up your book without sounding like an egotistical mentalist.

Also, I've included some bonus content at the back of Crack (that sounds wrong somehow), as an extra incentive to buy - a making of article, interview, sneak peek of my first book etc. I've made a quick note of this in the description.

The rest is fairly obvious - choose two best categories to help fans of your genre to find the book, etc. You can also upload your cover, and then the book itself!

You should then (hopefully) get a message saying 'Upload and conversion successful'.

It'll cost ya

Not time for a beer just yet though, cos you've still got to set the price.

If you want 70% royalties you'll have to price the book between $2.99 and $200. If you want to charge less, you can only get 35% royalties. However, there are loads of stories out there of authors who sold very few books at $2.99, lowered their price to 99 cents, then sold thousands every month. If people are even vaguely interested in your chosen genre, they're likely to pick up a book for less than a quid.

I'm selling Crack for $1.50, or 95p, because that's how I roll y'all.

Done and done

That's it! Amazon will publish your book within 24 hours, and then you can enter the murky world of marketing (i.e. begging people to buy your book).

See you next time kiddies, time for that beer...

UPDATE: Crack can now be purchased at Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com